god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
