Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
