I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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