Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
