ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
