Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize