I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you didnt know i had herpes?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
