I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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