3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
it was like his penis was on wheels.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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