so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
