I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize