is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
