some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
