My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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