her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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