I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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