Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
