Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize