Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
