There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
