We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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