i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
