Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
