Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
