i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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