You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
