Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
