Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
