DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
