im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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