i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
