tell your sister to shave her snatch
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
