I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
