Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
