i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
