I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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