i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Randomize
