i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
