She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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