dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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