My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
