actually, I'm a sock model
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My vagina is very pro this idea
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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