I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
