It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
