My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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