Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
