I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize