Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
