If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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