Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
