I think my vagina is haunted
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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