are you so shy because you have an std?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
