Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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