The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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