I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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