I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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