did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Found your dick twin last night
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
