i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
